view member journals

"You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because

reality is finally better than your dreams."

I'll be honest.

I still have not stopped thinking about you.

I still feel butterflys whenever I see you.

I still daydream about you and I being together someday.

I still hope that one day you will look at me as more than a friend.

I still look forward to spending time with you.

I still look for you at school so I can get at least a glimpse of you.

I still admire your strength as well as your beauty.

I still can't help but smile whenever I see you.

I still yearn for your touch.

I still don't mind the teasing.

I still like your hugs more than anyone.

I still continue to get lost in your eyes.

I still enjoy talking to you.

I still look for a text or call from you on my phone.

I still can't help but be in love with you.

But I know, more than anyone,

My fantasies may never come true.

♥

Wenn wir zu viel wollen, ist das unser Untergang, so ist meine Erfahrung. Wobei die Unterg�nge nicht immer mit Haut und Haaren stattfinden. Je nach Auslastung und Anforderungen, die ich mir gesetzt habe, oder die in mich gesetzt wurden, erleide ich unterschiedlich Schiffbruch. Manchmal reicht ein Tag Entspannung, um wieder zu Kr�ften zu kommen. Manchmal sind Streitereien die Folge, die viel Glas zerst�ren und deren Scherbenhaufen lange brauchen, bis sie restlos aufgekehrt sind.

Wie passt das zusammen mit dem, was meine Kindheit und Jugendzeit gepr�gt hat? Goethes Zitat "Wer immer strebend sich bem�ht, DEN werden wir erl�sen"; war Erziehungsmaxime, Ma�stab meines Handelns und Wollens. Heute verwundert es mich nicht, dass ich diesem Druck nicht standgehalten habe, ja, nicht standhalten konnte.

So suchte und suche ich andere Werte. "Weniger ist mehr"; "Errare humanum est" = "Nobody is perfect"; "Der Weg ist das Ziel"; das sind S�tze, die mir heute mehr bedeuten sollten. Noch ist, rein biologisch, der Zeitraum meines Lebens l�nger, der mich hat streben lassen, doch hoffe ich, dass mir diese Werte im Laufe der Zeit zu eigen werden.�

Ob es wertvollere Maxime sind, wird die Zukunft zeigen.

Theres been alot on my mind as of late, and yet its still hard to type down. get it type? lol that was stupid but I couldnt help my self.. I've become so tired from stressing over school, and guys.�They dont seen to get the msg when I tell the to f-off. Why? cause their tools who think Im easy when really, Im not. They dont realize that I have self respect and am not about to get rid of it either. Guys piss me off so much. Sry if thats offensive to any of you guys. Im starting to belive that they do in fact�think more with their *junk* then their head.�once again sry�lol. And yes I am aware of the fact that not all guys are like this, but a good amount are, and frankly its getting old.�On the upside I think i did a fairley well on my�exams. though I know I most likely wont pass my�Art 2 class do to the fact that my art teacher hates me for some reason which I still have yet to figure out. And know I�have not said anything offensiive or rude to him, just so thats clear. My 16th came and left with well nothing new. I still dont have�a car�cause ,y parents thought "hey lets have her�take driver ed during the�winter!" Really? THERE IS�NO DRIVERS ED DURING THE WINTER!!! sheesh. I of course had explained this to�them and yet they�failed to accept�that for once i was right and�they were wrong. i know that sounds concede and all, but sadly�true.�Well its time to go for know, ttyl

I need to get some balls that's for sure!! I need to stop talking about it and just freaking do it.....get out there meet guys, loose the weight and get fit and most importantly start contracting!! I mean really what am I afraid of? failure? being laughed at? mocked? told i knew you couldn't do it but I know that I can do all those things just need some self discipline and a plan!! man plan, body plan and job plan. stop complaining about it and do something about it!! easier said than done?? hahaha! I mean I'm pretty fucking great and I need to start believing that and living the life that I see for myself.....the life I feel I can get and it's so close.

Somedays I yearn for your touch,

While others I run from your clutch...

I wish I could forget you,

But your like that unwanted tatoo...

Etched in my heart,

With no end or start...

Somedays your all I want,

So much that your smile is like a painful taunt...

You once held me close,

And picked me up off my toes...

�

But all has�been�forgotten,

As quickly as it�once was started...

�

�

�

Normally I wouldn't consider myself as a weak person, but...tonight I realized how much more work I had ahead of me... and I feel so overwhelmed by all of this. I know that I shouldn't complain and just be happy to be one of the lucky people who would wish to be in my place, but sometimes it just tires me. I feel like I haven't really done a lot, but I feel so tired, as if I've done everything I could possibly do. I'm talking nonsense right now.... I just want to talk or in this case write whatever I want to write, even if it doesn't make sense, and why am I explaining myself to a computer now???

hayayay...whatever.... I wish everything would be over and done. not really, it might be too fast... haysh!!! i don't know, i think to much, but it is not what i want or need to think about.

i should be thinking of math and econ, not what is going to happen to my life, or how do i really feel about my current life, or whatever else that i don't really need to be thinking about.....hay!

oy oy....God gave me this brain, but you know what� God? i can't control my own brain! it doesn't follow what I want it to think about. anyways.......... i will try, once more, to let my brain concentrate on this econ book. bye bye!

So no more Mike......he invited me to a concert tomorrow night that i would really like to go with him but i haven't heard from him really in two weeks and that is just not what I'm looking for so (all over texts...lame) I had to tell him gently that he was fantastic but i'm looking for something a little more serious and not a every two week thing....he said that was fair and he wasn't in that place right now to be very serious which i figured hince there every two week get together of dinner and fucking which don't get me wrong was fun and all and helped me get over my hump but truthfully I just want more attention....so he said that was fair and he was just young and that I'm really great and I won't be single for long which is nice to say but who knows this dating takes a lot out of ya. so hard to trust people and put yourself out there but i guess the effort will get you a reward in the end right? hahaha anyway girls where proud of me and said i had balls and was strong but really i just know myself and I knew because i did really like him and wanted to seriously date him that it wasn't fair for me to put that out there when i knew two weeks ago that it's not what he wanted. so got to find someone else!! keeping the eye open that's for sure and need to get more ballsy i think start approaching men putting it out there more I guess. who fucking knows!!

off to see new moon tomorrow!!! so excited!! Team Jacob!!! hahaha